You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
