and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
