When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
