happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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