I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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