cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
