hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
