a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
