I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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