I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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