White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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