I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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