Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
