My hand turned me down
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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