I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize