just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize