The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
