I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
there is glitter all over my balls
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
