I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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