Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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