I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
