made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
