But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
