I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
