You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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