Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
