its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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