my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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