Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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