like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
