I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
