Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
