Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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