I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize