The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
