I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
