no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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