Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
