dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I did not marry a roomba.
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