Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
