There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize