At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
