how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize