somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
