She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize