we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
