i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
