just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
