What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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