John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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