he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
