I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize