Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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