none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
