Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
