she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
