you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The Olympian is in my bed
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
