Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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