Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
