So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
