I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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