"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
