at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
