Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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