I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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