"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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