4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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