so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
