I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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