I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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