i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize