I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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